- Know Your Literary Fashion Victims
- by Martha Mahlburg
You know them. You love them. You could be one. They are easily spotted from
over 100 yards away. They need help. They are the Literary Fashion Victims. Literary
Fashion Victims or LFVs come in many styles. The one thing they have in common
is the fact that they don't know they need help. It is time the truth be told
and LFVs led into the fashion light.
__________
- Professorial Wannabes (PWs)
- Professorial Wannabes are usually spotted on college campuses trying to look
more intellectual than they are. PWs are usually heavily invested in tweed: pants,
jackets, ties, etc. They are usually seen walking briskly with a leather satchel
in one hand and a pile of pretentious critical books in the other. The typical
PW outfit consists of: penny loafers, argyle socks, tweed pants, white dress shirt,
bow tie, and tweed jacket with leather patches at the elbows. Hardcore PWs are
often seen smoking pipes and staring at the ceiling as if in deep thought.
-
-
- Great American Novelist in Training (GANT)
- The Great American Novelist in Training believes it is noble to suffer for
their art. What usually suffers is their wardrobe. GANTs look as if they slept
in their clothes because they have. Some GANTs actually try to emulate their favorite
author. This may be fine with contemporary authors but can be quite a dated look
if their favorite author is say, Lord Byron. The only consistencies in GANTs look
is that most of their clothes are wrinkled and usually have a coffee stain on
the shirt from staying up all night trying to find the proper word for "said".
There are also other stains from rummaging through trashcans looking for returnables
so that new typewriter ribbons can be bought.
-
-
- The Bookworm/Librarian (B/L)
- Bookworms and Librarians are what used to be called in less genteel days "nerds".
B/Ls are probably the easiest ones to pick out. Looking in any library will reveal
a whole hive of them. B/Ls can be recognized as such by any bright 3 year old.
All together now: flood pants that belt above the belly, white athletic socks,
dress shoes, white dress shirt buttoned wrong, and eyeglasses with tape around
the nose piece. The female version is: flats or clunky heels, support panty hose,
skirt at least 15 years out of date, high collared and long sleeved blouse, and
eyeglasses that are 15 years out of date.
-
-
- Cyber Style (CS)
- Cyber Stylers usually see themselves on the cutting edge of technology but
certainly not on style. CSs are very conversant in the latest technology jargon
and are very ready to sing the praises of those science fiction pioneers who foresaw
today's technical miracles. CSs can be found at Comic Book, Star Trek, and Science
Fiction Conventions. CSs are often one step away from looking normal. A CS in
the morning will put on black leather Doc Martens or motorcycle boots, jeans with
a tear in the knee, a black t-shirt with some sci-fi reference on it, black leather
motorcycle jacket (even in summer), and shades.
-
-
- Sensitive Ponytail Man (SPM)
- This cool cat can be seen discussing poetry and the beat authors over latte
at the trendiest coffee houses. He can empathize with what the authors are trying
to say because he has been there before. He is usually very tall and very skinny.
The de rigueur dress of SPM comes almost straight out of the 50s, black turtleneck,
black pants, goatee, the 00s twist is the white tube socks with the Birkenstock
sandals and a ponytail which can be anywhere from a little shock of hair sticking
out of a rubber band to a full blown two foot long perfectly coifed mane.
-
-
- The Apparently Normals (ANs)
- Everyone thinks they fit into this category. The only thing that separates
this group from the truly normal is the prodigious amount of paper on or around
their person. If you look in their backpack you will find several paperbacks that
they are reading simultaneously, books for their classes (already read in the
first week of classes), several notebooks, 3x5 note cards for a paper, and other
various scraps of paper. Their living quarters are usually lined with bookcases
that are filled with books that they have actually read and stacks of books that
they are meaning to get to still.
-
__________
If you encounter one of these groups approach them with sympathy, compassion,
and understanding. Offer to take them shopping, to the laundry, or to the incinerator
as the case may dictate. Remember there but for the grace of God go you.
__________
Martha Mahlburg is a small woman living near a dangerous city
|
